Unlike Mia, I had no problem whatsoever addressing this scenario. After all, I’m a world-class expert at rationalizing my gun purchases. Don’t believe me? Then explain how I have so many guns, yet am still happily married. At least until my better half reads this article.
For a limited time only, I’m going to share some of my top secret methods. Just be warned, these ideas are powerful. They’re 100% successful almost 47% of the time.
1. Play the man card.
You’ve got to play the “man’s responsibility” card. A lot. “Honey, the only thing I lose sleep over is that I’m not living up to my obligation as a man to protect you and the kids. It's my obligation, and I'm honored to have this opportunity." How can you go wrong when you're telling your wife you're HONORED to protect her?
2. Get gun trash.
Acquire some good trading trash. Excellent! Buy a couple of “trade guns.” They can be worthless and non-functional. Don't spend more than $20 each on them. Buying trade trash is your first victory. When you get home, confess to your wife that you bought a new gun. Then tell her you spent less than the steaks you had for dinner last night. That gives you some advance "frugal shopper" credibility. Next, when you’re hankering for a new Beretta ARX-100, take one of your trade trash guns to a gun store and trade it as credit towards your ARX-100 purchase. When you get home, you can tell your spouse that you “traded” that old Rust Collector .38 Special for the ARX-100. Don’t worry about the details of the transaction, like the fact that you had to trade your junker plus the full retail price of the new gun, plus a $20 environmental impact fee to the dealer to get rid of your trade trash gun.
3. Tool time.
Guns are just another type of tool, right? Use your imagination here. Who would object to you buying another tool that will benefit the family? “Honey, I need to run out and get a tool for that project I was working on. You know, the one on my list?” Hey, it sounds like you’re dealing with that list of household maintenance items. Be creative, vague and run with it! The spoils go to the bold.
4. Look how much money I saved you!
Turn the tables on her. You know how, every now and then, she comes home with something extravagant and justifies the purchase saying something like "Honey, you wouldn't believe the deal I got on this, it was on SALE!" You can do the same thing, as long as you don't make a stink when she does it. You let her impulse buys slide, then she lets your impulse buys slide. Quid pro quo.
While this is related to the previous strategy, it's subtly different. For those who aren't professional shoppers, BOGO is professional shopper code for buy one, get one free. "Honey, I bought a new gun, but it was a BOGO deal, so I took advantage." Who can argue with that?
This one is for emergencies only, as hiding large expenditures from your wife is a very, very dangerous strategy. I only recommend this method when you've already bought seven new guns in a given month and then you run across something like a Tikka T3 Tac rifle for 10% off. Obviously not buying it is not an option, so you might have to resort to desperate last stand measures, even if it does jeopardize your marriage.
Those of you old like me might remember the Popeye character named J. Wellington Wimpy. His strategy and world-renowned line was "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today." You too can use this strategy. "Honey, Guiseppe's Gun Shop is having a sale on that special edition Beretta 92 Diamond Pistol today. I’m feeling kind of flashy and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I just can't pass it up. I'll tell you what. Let me run out and get this, and I promise I'll install that recessed lighting in the sitting room next week.
8. Who cares what she thinks?
Admittedly, this one is an exceptionally high risk strategy that may result in black eyes and broken bones, mainly yours.
9. Use the kids shamelessly.
Get your kids involved. Hey this is a win-win-win-win. Everybody wins. You get to go shooting more. Your kids learn safe gun handling and have fun doing it. You demonstrate to your wife that you’re Father of the Millenium because you’re always taking your kids out to the range. Oh, and last but not least, your spouse will eventually start participating in the family outings, and she’ll need her own gun, which leads us to…
10. The "her gun" strategy.
From the moment of purchase, refer to it has “her” gun. “Honey, I was at a gun show today, and found the perfect gun for you. You know how much I care about your safety and well-being, right?” This strategy worked amazingly well for me, right up to the moment when she suggested that, since it was “her gun” she could sell it to buy a pair of Christian Louboutin Suspenodo Sling patent leather shoes. Ummmm...
11. Take your wife shooting.
I know this is a ten best list, but being a nice guy, and giver by nature, I'm adding a bonus number 11 tip, and I’ve saved the very best for last. If she's not already, get your wife involved in your favorite pastime. If she’s not already a shooter, start her out with something insanely fun, like a Beretta Neos. I’ve not yet met anyone who doesn’t experience pure joy at plinking cans and such with a nice .22 pistol. When she shares your joy of owning a nice gun, this whole issue will become a moot point. Your biggest worry will be keeping her away from your stash.
I should really charge for this advice, but since you’re all Beretta fans, these helpful tips are on the house.